As parents, we often use common phrases with the best intentions, but some of these can have unintended negative effects on our children. By understanding and adjusting our language, we can foster a more positive and supportive environment for our kids. Here are six common phrases that might be causing more harm than good, along with alternative approaches to consider.
1. "Hurry Up!"
How often have you found yourself rushing your child in the morning, saying "Hurry up!" as they dawdle over breakfast or struggle to tie their shoes? While this phrase is meant to motivate, it often has the opposite effect. According to Linda Acredolo, PhD, coauthor of Baby Minds, pushing children to hurry can create additional stress and make them feel pressured or inadequate.
Instead of using this phrase, try softening your tone by saying, "Let's hurry." This small shift turns the task into a collaborative effort and sends the message that you are on the same team, working together to achieve the same goal. Additionally, ask if there is anything they need help with that might be preventing them from speeding up. This approach not only reduces stress but also builds a stronger connection with your child.
2. "We Can't Afford That"
When a child asks for a new toy or treat, a common parental response might be, "We can't afford that." While the intention is often to set boundaries or teach financial restraint, this phrase can unintentionally create anxiety about money. As Jayne Pearl, author of Kids and Money, points out, children may misinterpret this message and become worried about their family's financial stability.
A more effective way to handle such situations is to say, "We’re choosing not to buy that right now because we’re saving for something more important." This phrase helps children understand that not all desires can be met immediately and introduces the concept of prioritizing spending. It also presents a great opportunity to teach kids about budgeting. If they continue asking, consider offering an allowance for chores to help them learn about saving and spending wisely.
3."You're Okay."
Instead of quickly trying to make them feel better, focus on validating their emotions and helping them process what happened. Offer comfort and empathy by acknowledging their feelings: "That must have been a scary fall." Follow up with gentle questions like, "Would you like a bandage or a hug?" This shows understanding and offers them a choice in how to cope with their feelings.
4. "You're Too Sensitive."
When a child is told, "You're too sensitive," it can make them feel their natural reactions are wrong or invalid. This phrase undermines their self-expression and may discourage them from sharing their feelings in the future. Instead, acknowledge their feelings by saying, "I understand this feels like a lot. Do you want to talk about it?" This validates their emotions and opens the door for healthy communication and support.
5."Stop crying."
Telling a child to stop crying can make them feel ashamed of their emotions and may teach them to suppress their feelings rather than express them. Instead, consider saying, "I see you're upset, would you like to talk about what's bothering you?"
6."Don't be shy."
This can make a child feel that their natural temperament is wrong or bad. Instead, try to encourage them gently by saying, "Take your time, it's okay to go at your own pace."Why Language Matters
The words we use have a profound impact on how children perceive themselves and their environment. Subtle shifts in language can help create a more supportive and encouraging atmosphere that nurtures a child’s confidence, reduces stress, and fosters open communication. By being mindful of our language, we can better guide our children through learning moments without unintentionally causing anxiety or frustration.
Conclusion
Next time you catch yourself using these phrases, consider trying the alternatives. You'll likely find that these small changes lead to more positive interactions and help your child develop healthy habits and coping strategies. Remember, the goal is not just to communicate, but to communicate in a way that builds understanding, resilience, and trust.
